Fragment: HAIR

I found an advertisement in a magazine that read:

"My hair changes with my mood...my hair changes a lot!"

...And it inspired me to post this entry...how my hair changes...and it really DOES change with my moods ;) ENJOY!

Time frame: 1 year and a half.

"WHAT NOW?"

"WHAT NOW? is not just a panic-striken question tossed out into a dark unkown. What now can also be our joy. It is a declaration of possibility, of promise, of chance. It acknowledges that our future is open, that at every point in our development we are still striving to grow."

I feel like I've dropped my compass - lost once again - I've fallen into "limbo land"...will this keep happening every so often?

My therapist pointed out yesterday that this may be happening as part of the mourning process...I'm not so sure, although it does make some sense.

Work, love, friendship, community, church, hobbies...WHAT AM I REALLY DOING? and WHY? Where am I going with all this? Where's my compass pointing to? WHAT/WHERE is my NORTH?

She asked me if I could share with her 2 priorities of my life right this moment...and I coudln't...that's when I realized I wasn't holding my compass anymore...where did I drop it?

I better find it...

"Letters to my younger self"

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep right away, as I normally do...so I opened my night stand's drawer to see if I could find something interesting...and I did :)

I found a folder filled with articles, print outs, hand written notes, quotes, personality test results, etc etc etc...and I smiled...this folder represents the soul searching process that I was living 2 years ago until not too long. I browsed through it all and read some interesting things. One of them, though, stood out. On a restaurant post card, I'd written: "WHAT I KNOW NOW...(letters to my younger self)".

I wrote this quote while wandering around the streets of Boston last year. Waiting for my brother to pick me up, I went into a bookstore and found so many books that I wanted to buy! I love bookstores ;) I decided to get a book on HOW TO MAKE BOOKS - jaja - beautifully crafted and sort of pricey, so I could just get this one book. But as I walked out of the store, I bumped into a book that read the words that grabbed my heart. I wanted to buy the book, but I could spend no more. So, I wrote the captivating words on a postcard I had in hand.

http://www.letterstomyyoungerself.com/books/if-id-known-then.html

"If you could send a letter back in time to your younger self, what would it say? Following in the tradition of the bestselling compendium What I Know Now™ comes a new collection that will speak directly to young women. Editor Ellyn Spragins asked women under forty to write letters to the girls they once were, filled with the advice and wisdom they wish they’d possessed when they were younger."

Coincidentaly today, my little brother sent me a text message saying: "Look for the song LETTER TO ME by Brad Paisley...it's country music, but give it a chance, it's a really good song. Pay attention to the lyrics, especially the PS part, which I wish I had the chance to tell myself". The title of the song grabbed my heart as the title of that book in Boston did. I searched for the song on youtube.com and found this video:


Wow...what a song! And it has exactly all to do with the book! And I started wondering...What would I tell MY younger self this day? I am 25 years old today, and I think I would love to talk to my 14 year old self...there's so much she needed to know. But hey, that is LIFE; a process of growing up, learning through experience and self discovery. As much as I would've liked to know more in order for things to have turned out differently today, that would not make much sense, or would it? We wouldn't be living...no free will...just predesigned, soul-less robots.

I should just love and make peace with my younger self...and be happy for who I am TODAY, what I've BECOME, and what I know NOW.

Fragment: TRADITION

I couldn't sleep last night, and that is a very rare thing...my heart felt unsettled and I know exactly the reason why. Tradition has it that when a person passes, friends and family visit the late person's immediate family for 9 days to keep them company during such tough days. On the 9th day, people come again from all over the place to visit the family and it represents a very BIG event. The family orders food for everyone, and even rent chairs to sit people; it is a social gathering...people saluting, talking and laughing even, until the time comes for the last cries. Some time in the afternoon, a mass is offered at the town's church where the priest mentions the late person's name in the prayers for one last time (my dad told me people actually pay for this!) and the family and friends cry all over again :(

Now, my unsettling feeling came about because I had to make a DECISION; do I HAVE to go support my mom, although I think this event doesn't make any sense?? Personally, I see this 9th day event as mere TORTURE. It has taken me a week to reassure my emotions after such painful days, to get back to my normal activities, and conform with life's reality of DEATH. To go back to all this would reawaken everything! I call that TORTURE! Tio is gone, and that is the END of it. :S

I asked my dad for advice last night before he headed off to the airport: "help me dad! Should I go or not? I really don't want to, but I think of mom..." and he said, "I don't see the sense of it either, but it's the TRADITION and you are part of this society and this culture...your mom will not understand if you do otherwise...but you do what you want...look at ME, I bought my ticket to leave today ;)" And he went on to explain the TRADITION as I have described it in the paragraphs above.

My sister also challenged me by saying, "It's TRADITION, sister; as you heard so much about it in the Fiddler on the Roof...it's your decision if you want to break it or follow it"

And I've decided to break it...the unsettling feeling this morning has stopped...I've decided not to go to the 9th day event. I will stay home LIVING my life, not elsewhere celebrating DEATH.

NOTE: The song TRADITION of "The Fiddle on the Roof". This scene is amazing, so much truth in it....TRADITION!!!!!!!!!!

"Festival de Música de Santo Domingo"

Every two years, Santo Domingo gets the chance to have a huge, international symphony orchestra.

People come from all over the world and share the stage with us for 2 weeks of superb concerts. Friendships are made, colleagues share insights and advice; lots of things are experienced and learned.

An event very well worth the efforts of FUNDACION SINFONIA whose staff is responsible of putting it together.

It's the first time I am in the country for this, so I've been VERY excited! I was going to perform at the first concert, but due to bigger events in my life :( I wasn't able to.

However, I have spent the last couple of days being part of the audience for the first time in the 2 years that I've been working with the orchestra. I have loved dressing up and coming to the theatre every night to listen to great classical music!

I've had MY share of fun, too, Lau Lau! : p

'Til 2011!!!!

"The show must go on..."

Today, I am so aware of how everything goes INEVITABLY back to 'normal'. Two nights ago, I was crying besides my uncle's coffin; last nite, I was at a dinner celebrating a friend's birthday. So ironic...so strange...but that's life.

On this day, I notice how my stomach has stopped hurting; I breathe the fresh air and I feel happy; to-do lists have popped in my head after a week of not wanting to do ANYTHING; I hung out with my niece and nephew; I hung out with a friend; I went to a meeting at church, where we talked about future plans and goals for the music ministry; I went to a symphony concert as an expectator for the first time in two years, and enjoyed it inmensely...and as this day made me feel so ALIVE, I wonder..."how does this happen? the closure of something so terrible giving way to the continuation of 'normal' life activities? life can not be normal if I will never see him again, or can it? "...and as questions and more questions bounce around in my head, one thing becomes certain: the fact of the matter is that, THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

Some are born, some depart, some celebrate their birthdays, others are "born-again" (so happy for you Tia M.)...it's all part of the cycle...it is all, LIFE...and as people come and go, life keeps happening...the show is taking place...no matter what happens, or how an event devastates you...at some point, the curtains go up again, and THE SHOW WILL GO ON.

Fragment: TRAGEDY

Tragedy has touched upon my family on this dominican festive week. Now, all the little signals come together to try to make some sense out of something so surreal.

(Above: Tio Augusto and me; this picture he had in an album titled MEMORIES in his Windows Live profile, my cousin showed it to me :( )

"You were looking so handsome, young, happy and healthy lately! Just can't believe you're gone...You will be missed...terribly...Pushy reminded me of something so wonderful the other day...you gave me my NAME :) CIÓN TIO"

Ok, my stomach keeps hurting...

We were not created for dying in the 'original plan'. That's why 2009 years later of people dying, we still can't grasp it, still can't accept it, still can't understand it...

Lord, please have mercy...

NOTE: http://www.app.com/article/20090226/NEWS01/902260490/1004/NEWS01

Fragment: PHOTO SHOOTING ;)

These photos of MOI were made by Alina Vargas and her students at an APEC Univeristy photography class. It was such a fun sunday morning! And I love the results ;)

Check some of them out:

Fragments: MADERS n' FIDDLER

Today is my maders' birthday...this is a picture daddy sent of how mami looks at age 55, TODAY! Look at her pose and her smile...she's so LOVELY ;)

I've always thought, and each day confirm even more, how maders and I are the same person 30 years apart.

Like her, I am super emotional, affectionate, touchy, don't get jokes right away, go straight to the sale section at each and every store, give so many details when telling a story, among other things. However, I am not a social butterfly like her and I did not get her culinary skills :S I HAD to get some things from daddy! ;) Hold on, but daddy is a great cook :S Hmmmm...

On another note, I haven't told you guys that this week I am playing at a musical. We are doing FIDDLER ON THE ROOF and I am so excited to be a part of this project! I LOVE the music; I love the matter in question, TRADITION; I am loving the under-the-stage experience; and I'm excited to connect with my colleagues in a different setting. I have met wonderful people, and even got hurt by one of them already (my toe has been injured!) JAJAJA!

"Vicky NENY Barcelona"

I just saw a film recommended by my lil' brother, and have ABSOLUTELY loved it (he always gives wonderful recommendations)!

"VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA"

Four fabulous reasons:

-Scarlett is one my favorite actresses of all times...and plus, she's so HOT! I hate her, in a good way ;)

-Barcelona is the set of the story...who knows me, KNOWS how much I want to go to this place!

-Hot spanish actors...so great to see them act...and basically, to just SEE them :)

-I'm such a CRISTINA!!! Felt so connected to some of her thoughts...SOME, I've specified, SOME ;) There's one scene where the narrator says something about Cristina that screams out NENY all over the place! It's so cool when someone or something speaks the language of your soul :)

And the narrator says: "It was only Cristina, as the last days of summer expired, who began to experience an old familiar stirring; a growing restlessness that she dreaded but recognized only too well. Suddenly, thoughts started taking precedence over feelings; thoughts and questions about life and love, and as much as she tried to resist these ideas, she could not get them from her mind..."

The following scene is just amazing! When Cristina comes out and expresses what she has thought about, Penelope Cruz bawls out, and makes an OSCAR winning performance :) Check it out!



In the end, I couldn't help but smile again, as the girls prepare to leave Barcelona and the narrator says: "Cristina continued searching, certain only of what she didn't want..." :)

Ohh!! And I loved the BARCELONA song used all throughout the movie, and the spanish guitar playing scenes! I have the same reaction as Vicky everytime I have the chance to experience guitar playing :) *SIGH* I love the guitar!!! This video I found on youtube.com of two guys in Barcelona playing flamenco!

Fragment: YOGA

I started YOGA class about 2 weeks ago and I'm totally FASCINATED! It's such a cool way to start the day...I've never been so aware of my body before; of its strengths and weaknesses, of of its capability to go further, of some body parts I didn't even notice were there (excercise your toes?), my heartbeat, my breathing...WOW! It's like a confirmation of how ALIVE I am:)

We go through the days just doing what we have been domesticated to do, and rarely take a moment to be in touch with ourselves, our body, pay attention to it! After all, it is the temple of our souls, we should nurture it and take care of it! And be AWARE of all of it, so we could LOVE it and APPRECIATE it more.

It's been so awsome hearing my heart beat when we lay down after each position...and how the body just NEEDS to breathe! And at that moment, I feel so thankful...Thank you God for BREATHING! It's such a wonderful thing :)

I go early in the morning, three times a week. The class is held at a roofed terrace in a lush green garden...we can hear birds chirping, the wind rushing through the leaves and then caressing our bodies...classical music in the background...candles and inciense...and a fabulous instructor, who always has a smile on his face and has gorgeaus eyes, just seeing him makes me smile :)


I am feeling more energetic, more stretched out! And this was the very purpose for taking this class...I'd been feeling weak lately, my body had been getting lazy and tense. But now, I feel great! Totally recommend it! Specially in the morning...it's such a FRESH way to start the day :) I started going to a gym early in the morning a couple of months ago...but it was just a too agitated way to start the day, for my taste; cardio, aerobics...cool, but no...YOGA is the ......... ! jejeje ;)

Note: all the walls and ceilings are painted in lilac and white...what can I say? LILAC JUST MAKES ME HAPPY :)

"My Daddy's b-day is MY b-day too!"

Feb. 6th is really the date of this posting...I've had 2 FULL days of work and errands, and hadn't had the chance to sit down and WRITE. But my thoughts were on ONE thing on this day: HOW BLESSED I AM TO HAVE MY DADDY.

It was his birthday, and I think that, in a way, it's all our (my siblings and me) birthdays too, as we all have little parts of him in us. He is literally the source of our existance ;)Isn't that soooo deep in itself?!

He'll probably be shocked when he reads this, but I feel that my daddy holds a mystery. Nothing scary! :) It's just that as far as I can remember, daddy's been a righteous man, who loves playing by the rules, doing things "by the book", not one to socialize much, and a great seller at work but a man of few words at home; a bright minded man who will solve any difficulty at home or for anyone who needs his help, and who always has a right answer ready for any question asked. I grew up with a huge admiration towards my daddy...I KNEW something was very RIGHT about him! But as the years passed, and I grew to learn more about the world and our human nature, I pondered, things shouldn't be SO RIGHT about him............there's got to be something HUMANE!

I have a lot of qualities in me that reflect HIM...and as I've learned of my imperfections along the way, so I've reasoned that he must own his share, too. For a while, it became hard to come to terms with this reality, but as I once heard somewhere, "Parents are just kids trying to be adults". :) Isn't that interesting in the craziest of WAYS?! And when I think about it that way, I feel a renewed thankfulness... :)

But the mistery is somewhat surfacing ;) A couple of months ago, I found a treasure chest full of old photos and love letters. The letters where written from young daddy to young mommy, and the photos were of those times. My daddy was so loving and so tender in these letters...so in love! But it wasn't about the love, really...whatever I felt had something to do with himself, his own person. His way of expression in the letters made me see someone I didn't really know; someone I really liked and felt so connected to! It was my young daddy....

.....and the curious fact lays here: I don't know if it's my crazy mind or if it's at all true, but I feel that as daddy gets older, he's becoming in touch again with his younger self. I notice his essence coming back through many little things that I can notice BECAUSE I've read these letters...and it's such a beautiful thing. After so many years of work, of trying, of growing up, of being a kid trying to be an adult, he can finally RELAX and BE himself...AGAIN :)

Fragment: POWER of MUSIC

Yesterday morning, as the violins played away Weber's Der Freischütz overture during orchestra rehearsal, my mind drifted to other times. Times that I haven't lived myself. Times that reflected in my mind in black and white. Times of sorrow, of war and pain. I was playing too, but I couldn't help but envision a small apartment hiding 2 jewish families during the German occupation of the Netherlands in WWII. I envisioned a diary, and the insightful words of a 13 year old girl. I caught myself reminiscing.....about the DIARY of ANNE FRANK.

These are the kind of things that music has the power to do. Music can take you places without you having to leave your seat.

The following clip was filmed, July 22, 1941, on the Merwedeplein in Amsterdam, where the Frank family lived between 1934 and 1942, before they went into hiding. That's the REAL Anne Frank looking out the window of her house.

P.S. Watch the movie, it's pretty amazing! Especially if you're going through a whining period in your life. This story will make you stop whining and be a bit more grateful, even of the not so great things that are happening around you. So touching... Here's the trailer: