Fragment: HAIR

I found an advertisement in a magazine that read:

"My hair changes with my mood...my hair changes a lot!"

...And it inspired me to post this entry...how my hair changes...and it really DOES change with my moods ;) ENJOY!

Time frame: 1 year and a half.

"WHAT NOW?"

"WHAT NOW? is not just a panic-striken question tossed out into a dark unkown. What now can also be our joy. It is a declaration of possibility, of promise, of chance. It acknowledges that our future is open, that at every point in our development we are still striving to grow."

I feel like I've dropped my compass - lost once again - I've fallen into "limbo land"...will this keep happening every so often?

My therapist pointed out yesterday that this may be happening as part of the mourning process...I'm not so sure, although it does make some sense.

Work, love, friendship, community, church, hobbies...WHAT AM I REALLY DOING? and WHY? Where am I going with all this? Where's my compass pointing to? WHAT/WHERE is my NORTH?

She asked me if I could share with her 2 priorities of my life right this moment...and I coudln't...that's when I realized I wasn't holding my compass anymore...where did I drop it?

I better find it...

"Letters to my younger self"

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep right away, as I normally do...so I opened my night stand's drawer to see if I could find something interesting...and I did :)

I found a folder filled with articles, print outs, hand written notes, quotes, personality test results, etc etc etc...and I smiled...this folder represents the soul searching process that I was living 2 years ago until not too long. I browsed through it all and read some interesting things. One of them, though, stood out. On a restaurant post card, I'd written: "WHAT I KNOW NOW...(letters to my younger self)".

I wrote this quote while wandering around the streets of Boston last year. Waiting for my brother to pick me up, I went into a bookstore and found so many books that I wanted to buy! I love bookstores ;) I decided to get a book on HOW TO MAKE BOOKS - jaja - beautifully crafted and sort of pricey, so I could just get this one book. But as I walked out of the store, I bumped into a book that read the words that grabbed my heart. I wanted to buy the book, but I could spend no more. So, I wrote the captivating words on a postcard I had in hand.

http://www.letterstomyyoungerself.com/books/if-id-known-then.html

"If you could send a letter back in time to your younger self, what would it say? Following in the tradition of the bestselling compendium What I Know Now™ comes a new collection that will speak directly to young women. Editor Ellyn Spragins asked women under forty to write letters to the girls they once were, filled with the advice and wisdom they wish they’d possessed when they were younger."

Coincidentaly today, my little brother sent me a text message saying: "Look for the song LETTER TO ME by Brad Paisley...it's country music, but give it a chance, it's a really good song. Pay attention to the lyrics, especially the PS part, which I wish I had the chance to tell myself". The title of the song grabbed my heart as the title of that book in Boston did. I searched for the song on youtube.com and found this video:


Wow...what a song! And it has exactly all to do with the book! And I started wondering...What would I tell MY younger self this day? I am 25 years old today, and I think I would love to talk to my 14 year old self...there's so much she needed to know. But hey, that is LIFE; a process of growing up, learning through experience and self discovery. As much as I would've liked to know more in order for things to have turned out differently today, that would not make much sense, or would it? We wouldn't be living...no free will...just predesigned, soul-less robots.

I should just love and make peace with my younger self...and be happy for who I am TODAY, what I've BECOME, and what I know NOW.

Fragment: TRADITION

I couldn't sleep last night, and that is a very rare thing...my heart felt unsettled and I know exactly the reason why. Tradition has it that when a person passes, friends and family visit the late person's immediate family for 9 days to keep them company during such tough days. On the 9th day, people come again from all over the place to visit the family and it represents a very BIG event. The family orders food for everyone, and even rent chairs to sit people; it is a social gathering...people saluting, talking and laughing even, until the time comes for the last cries. Some time in the afternoon, a mass is offered at the town's church where the priest mentions the late person's name in the prayers for one last time (my dad told me people actually pay for this!) and the family and friends cry all over again :(

Now, my unsettling feeling came about because I had to make a DECISION; do I HAVE to go support my mom, although I think this event doesn't make any sense?? Personally, I see this 9th day event as mere TORTURE. It has taken me a week to reassure my emotions after such painful days, to get back to my normal activities, and conform with life's reality of DEATH. To go back to all this would reawaken everything! I call that TORTURE! Tio is gone, and that is the END of it. :S

I asked my dad for advice last night before he headed off to the airport: "help me dad! Should I go or not? I really don't want to, but I think of mom..." and he said, "I don't see the sense of it either, but it's the TRADITION and you are part of this society and this culture...your mom will not understand if you do otherwise...but you do what you want...look at ME, I bought my ticket to leave today ;)" And he went on to explain the TRADITION as I have described it in the paragraphs above.

My sister also challenged me by saying, "It's TRADITION, sister; as you heard so much about it in the Fiddler on the Roof...it's your decision if you want to break it or follow it"

And I've decided to break it...the unsettling feeling this morning has stopped...I've decided not to go to the 9th day event. I will stay home LIVING my life, not elsewhere celebrating DEATH.

NOTE: The song TRADITION of "The Fiddle on the Roof". This scene is amazing, so much truth in it....TRADITION!!!!!!!!!!

"Festival de Música de Santo Domingo"

Every two years, Santo Domingo gets the chance to have a huge, international symphony orchestra.

People come from all over the world and share the stage with us for 2 weeks of superb concerts. Friendships are made, colleagues share insights and advice; lots of things are experienced and learned.

An event very well worth the efforts of FUNDACION SINFONIA whose staff is responsible of putting it together.

It's the first time I am in the country for this, so I've been VERY excited! I was going to perform at the first concert, but due to bigger events in my life :( I wasn't able to.

However, I have spent the last couple of days being part of the audience for the first time in the 2 years that I've been working with the orchestra. I have loved dressing up and coming to the theatre every night to listen to great classical music!

I've had MY share of fun, too, Lau Lau! : p

'Til 2011!!!!

"The show must go on..."

Today, I am so aware of how everything goes INEVITABLY back to 'normal'. Two nights ago, I was crying besides my uncle's coffin; last nite, I was at a dinner celebrating a friend's birthday. So ironic...so strange...but that's life.

On this day, I notice how my stomach has stopped hurting; I breathe the fresh air and I feel happy; to-do lists have popped in my head after a week of not wanting to do ANYTHING; I hung out with my niece and nephew; I hung out with a friend; I went to a meeting at church, where we talked about future plans and goals for the music ministry; I went to a symphony concert as an expectator for the first time in two years, and enjoyed it inmensely...and as this day made me feel so ALIVE, I wonder..."how does this happen? the closure of something so terrible giving way to the continuation of 'normal' life activities? life can not be normal if I will never see him again, or can it? "...and as questions and more questions bounce around in my head, one thing becomes certain: the fact of the matter is that, THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

Some are born, some depart, some celebrate their birthdays, others are "born-again" (so happy for you Tia M.)...it's all part of the cycle...it is all, LIFE...and as people come and go, life keeps happening...the show is taking place...no matter what happens, or how an event devastates you...at some point, the curtains go up again, and THE SHOW WILL GO ON.